Thursday, December 29, 2011

Awesome things to come home to after holiday travelling

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
In no particular order:

- A 15 degree C house
- Not a single voicemail message, and ONLY ONE MISSED CALL
- Aforementioned call being from a telemarketer
- An extreme terror of touching any and all surfaces following a full viewing of the movie "Contagion" on the airplane ride home
- A hangover/raging headache from nine shots of vodka in the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge to calm your pre-flight nerves
- A toboggan-esque drive home from the airport
- Discovering your new boots have absolutely no tread and/or grip, and faceplanting in your driveway/the airport parking lot/the sidewalk
-Your Wii Fit officially proclaiming you "obese"
- Finding your Christmas chocolates frozen
- Realizing your pre-holiday baking was left out on the counter and not, in fact, frozen as intended, thereby becoming ruined and inedible

Happy f_cking new year.

I hope those damn Mayans are spot on with their predictions.

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Friday, December 23, 2011

Laugh for the day (Stolen from Dry Humor Daily)

5 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
The original post is back here at Dry Humor Daily (you should add him to your list, he always has funny stuff up).

Cole always makes me laugh. His Chuck Norris calling and Poor T Rex posts also had my laughing hysterically last night.

Here ya go, a reason to smile today:

I will NOT make a joke about fisting, people. This is a MUPPET, for Jebus' sake!

Happy December 23rd!

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Monday, December 19, 2011

When did hot Gavin Rossdale turn into Coach from Survivor?!?!

16 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
In light of a recent BUSH music video, I was both stunned and horrified to learn that my original first boyfriend (and likely first Husband, if Gwen Stefani hadn't gotten in the way) Gavin Rossdale has somehow morphed into a replica Coach from the reality television show "Survivor".

WTF? Seriously?


This is what he used to look like, back in his hotness heyday (I don't want to do the math, because that will likely explain this entire situation):

Hot face, sexy biceps, angsty rocker, hot time-appropriate necklace.

And now, Coach's long lost, rich brother.

Gavin is on the left. Coach is on the right. The fact I have to clarify that is horrifying.


I'm pretty sure that the Sound of Winter is actually the sound of my sobbing.

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Sunday, December 18, 2011

"Roast Drippings" = Turkey Bath Water

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I just saw a commercial for Turkey gravy additive.

All you do is use the Club House mix and "add in roast drippings".


All the fat and hunks of fatty flesh just plop out of the turkey pan into the gravy boat.

All I can imagine is the dirty bath water after the turkey's been in there for a while. It's leg hairs from shaving. The remnants of it's bath fizz. A few errant feathers (you know how they always clog up the drain).

A vegetarian mind works so much differently than a "normal" brain.

Roast drippings is just a nice way to say "grossness left in the pan.... possibly fecal matter. EAT UP!"

Having said that, I'm off to drink a Dr. Pepper for breakfast, and think about possibly eating real food. But food that doesn't contain roast drippings, just so we're clear.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Grocery Tips From A Loser

19 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I learned a few things tonight, regarding grocery shopping. None of them have to do with the fact that I think I used that comma incorrectly, but I just figured I'd mention it.

When shopping for groceries, follow these handy tips to help you on your journey:

1.  If you are the type to become mildly weepy for no apparent reason, or become weepy at the sound of Christmas music, bring an MP3 player and sunglasses. It's like playing poker on TV (without the coolness) while hiding your "tell". You know, with less poker chips and more tears.

2.  If you (literally) run into the store 10 minutes before closing on a Friday night, be prepared to receive the stink eye from every single employee you pass, every time you pass them. Accept this, and continue to run in a panic around the store. It's very relaxing.

No, seriously. via

3.  If you can normally only find one of the two gluten-free "fresh" bread options in your grocery store no matter when you go, even on the days they claim to get new shipments, ignore that shit. Apparently, as I discovered tonight, you can find and hoard all THREE loaves of BOTH GF breads if you go right before store closing Friday night. F_ck you, Saturday shoppers! I just scored huge and saved myself $30 in shipping fees if I had been forced to order and buy that godforsaken heavy-ass dense bread through the bakery itself.

No word of a lie, one gluten-free  brick  loaf weighs 800 grams and can be used as a car-jack, when required. via

4.  Always, always open your eggs before purchasing to make sure:

a) All dozen are there. (However, you are forewarned that if you pick up a 6-pack of eggs, you may find that there are only six eggs in the package.)
b) The eggs that ARE there are not already pre-cracked and congealed. For your convenience.
c) That suspect, yellow yolk-like staining across the entire egg display didn't come from the pack of eggs you've selected. (I swear to Jebus the employees must have had an egg fight, or had someone as clumsy as me stock those shelves because I had to look through at least 7 containers to find one that had all 12 eggs that weren't oozing shit.)
d) There is not a dead chick inside. Trust me on this one.

5.  If you really really like the store's generic brand of inexpensive hair mousse because it's the ONLY brand that will tame your crazy-ass hair, stock that shit up. Ignore your significant other. Like your gut feeling told you last time, you will come to discover that they no longer carry it.  Mousse named "Exact" that costs $1.57 and works can save you a SHIT TON of money and frizz head in the long run. I miss you Exact.

This shit was magical. *tear*

6.  You will never, ever, ever have any luck asking your spouse/significant other to use a coupon if it requires too many conditions. For example, the Kraft cheese is apparently only free IF you buy ANOTHER Old El Paso Fajita** Kit at the same time (I think they're wrong) AND only the smaller size cheese, however the coupon is also good towards $6 off the 380 gram-sized cheese.... AAAAAAAAAAAND then  my  his head explodes.

7.  Nervous cashiers who believe you are using coupons improperly will fail to bring this to your attention, will fail to apply the discount, and will covertly place the coupon in your packed, re-useable bag while you aren't looking. F_ckers. I didn't have to buy an old El Paso kit last time.

8.  If you are ANYTHING like me, and you think you are being "really fast", during your maniacal sprint throughout the grocery store, rest assured you are not. You will leave there at 20 minutes past closing time and the cart collection boy will spit in your general direction as you climb into your car.
He will care not that you returned the cart to the cart "corral". P.S. Honda, I want a bigger trunk, goddammit, do you know how hard it is to pack groceries and 6  bricks  loaves of gluten free bread into the trunk of a Civic? I mean, seriously. Really.

** Pronounced: FAH- J- EYE- TAH. 
You're welcome.

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Friday, December 9, 2011

Embarrassing Admission - Dec. 12, 2011

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I have a complete and utter irrational fear of running out of tomatoes at our house.

We use them on pizza, in sandwiches, and I sometimes cook them in my eggs.
I'm not some Italian chef who requires them to sustain my livelihood.

But as soon as we get down to, like, only TWO tomatoes, I start to panic that I WILL NOT HAVE A TOMATO IN MY TIME OF TOMATO NEED. Whenever that will be.

Oh - we also live about 5 minutes away from two different grocery stores.

The New Husband (AKA the Former Feyoncé™) reminds me that I can... uh... you know, go to the store and buy more at any time. And I know it.

So there you go.

Reason #2,489 why I am a f_cking nutjob: my irrational fear of being tomatoeless at home. (No, not toeless. Totally different fear).

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Do you want to hear the rest of the honeymoon travel bullshizz?

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
The thought of writing it out is already making me feel tired and rage-y.

In one sentence, our honeymoon travel was hell.

You can read about PART ONE here, and, if you haven't yet fallen asleep, PART TWO is here.

Just wondering if anyone gives a shit if I finish the story. If you do, I'll write it, if no one comments, I won't bother.


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Monday, December 5, 2011

How Many Days Is Too Many Without Showering?

30 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
What's that you say?

Half a day? Especially if you go to the gym?

What if you curl up in the fetal position in bed for three days with the puppy?

So three then?


1.5 days?

Does taking the garbage bin in, during wet snow, sort of count as a shower?

Oh no, you seriously don't want to stick your tongue out around me. But in all seriousness... it is a wet snow shower, right? RIGHT??!!?


I might need to rethink this "self care" business...

(This post brought to you by my self restraint to go on a tirade about Keurigs and how hard it isn't to brew a regular cup of coffee? Really? Wait... I think... I think I just ranted anyway. F_ck.)

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