Saturday, December 24, 2016

Christmas Eve

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Hello out there again.

For the first time in... I think forever? I'm alone on Christmas Eve Day. It's been since about 11am. It's weird.

Baby D and the Hubs had a plan to try something new today, but I had already arranged to have a Christmas gift installed on our non-carseated car.

I miss them, but hope they are having lots of fun!

This time of year the true spirit of Christmas has really hit me. I'm so grateful for Baby D. She is everything that is right with the world... her joy, her zest for life, her exuberance, her open heart, her shine. She just SHINES. Even in the face of an emotional mama, in the face of some of the shit out in the world.

She SHINES, and I'm so proud of her.
Proud to be her mama, and so happy that she is in my life.
So happy that the Hubs is such a rock solid Daddy and partner.

I still wonder how the poor bastard wasn't snapped up by some other brilliant University student back in the day. I feel like my life has blossomed and flourished with his caring heart.

I bitch sometimes about perceived misgivings, or little disagreements we have sometimes. But on the whole, it's pretty damn amazing.

And Baby D has a bright future. We both want the best for her... I want that positivity to carry her on. I don't want the patriarchal world to tell her she matters less as a girl, or that she isn't worthy. I don't want her to think her looks/face/body are what defines her. I want her to know that her strong heart, capable body and mind are what make her HER. Make her valuable and special.

That she can do whatever she puts her mind to. That she can accomplish anything with enough practice and patience (and maybe some luck, too). That she can't be kept down, or silenced, or be bullied into acquiescence. I want her to know that, and feel that, and believe it with her whole being.

I love her with my whole being.

We have stuff under the tree and we donated this year. I feel really lucky that we can do that. But it's what's between these walls every day of the year that matters the most.

Shit gets hard. I get sick. Sometimes I'm sicker than others. But the love remains the same.

Merry Christmas.


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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Hello Out There

2 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I have approximately six minutes to write a riveting post before I go pick up Baby D from one of her classes.

Okay, a post. Probably not riveting.

I've been sick since the end of September. I did Mudderella Whistler back then, and was awarded with a purple headband, my first obstacle race without a new injury, and a wicked cough that turned into whatever the fuck this is, that's still in my lungs nearly three months after.

It's been a rough year. Although, they all seem to have been for the past four years or so.

I'm really hoping that 2017 is a little better. I've made some changes. I've made some hard decisions. I'm working on my parental anger because I don't want to make Baby D feel like how my father used to make me feel. I've learned that so much of what we do with our own kids is a result of "ghosts in the nursery" where we basically redo the shit that messed with us when we were little. And my kiddo deserves better than that. It's a process, but I keep trying to repeat "only love today" when she does something that makes my anger flare up.

I am on the tail end of the flu. I'm hoping as my fatigue lessens and I start to adjust to my own new skin, I will have energy to get back into hot yoga and the gym.

You should see the state of my house right now. Weeks of illness and fatigue are starting to bury us in clutter and Christmas shit piling up on all the surfaces. I hope that I can get through it and tidy it.

I'm not sure if it is braces, or congestion, or flu stuff, or my nearly non-coffee drinking status that is basically giving me a headache 24/7. Tylenol doesn't seem to help, but Advil cold & sinus gets me jacked in a weird way that I'd rather not experience.

Fingers crossed I come out of this icky health stuff and start to recover all around.

I haven't had any wine since November 5th! Crazy. And so good.

I guess that's it for now.

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